And no matter what happens, love still.

It’s hard to just take in things you don’t really understand or things that hurt you. But most of the times, you have to swallow your own feelings and thoughts to prevent conflict.

This happens to me all the time with my family, often with my mother. She has these reasons and ideals which she really insists all the time. Arguing means fighting and disrespect in our case. They grew me up, taught me, sent me to school. Of course, as I grow up, I will have my own ideologies, formed by my experiences and learnings. I don’t claim that mine are right or wrong. But at least, I’ll appreciate if people would consider and respect mine like how I do to them. I hope my mom realizes that, and all the other people who see their views as the solely universally appropriate.

For other people, giving up their views and reasons is a big no no. I admire them for their courage and conviction. But my admiration for people who puts interpersonal relationship over insisting their own arguments is greater. This might not be good for all life cases. But at least to those who don’t want to hurt their loved ones and sacrifice their own comfort and ego for them, I applaud you. I know how it feels, and it’s a no easy thing to do. I applaud you cause I know, only people who sincerely love could take to do that.

I am waiting fo…

I am waiting for that person who’s going to treat me like I’m worth something. I’m still waiting for that person who would hold me like they’re afraid to lose me. I want that person that listens and actually cares. Until I find that person, I’m going to stay single. I’ve been through bullshit enough. My heart is tired

I am more than just tired; I am exhausted; I am burnt out.
I’m healing myself and cure is still uncertain.
People might think I’m just doing fine. People might think it’s petty compared to heartaches.
But, they don’t really get to feel what I exactly feel.
I don’t know if I could be fixed, if I could fall again, trust again.
I am hopeful. Hopeful to this uncertainty.

Worst Type of Crying

The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can’t breathe anymore.

Cause I couldn’t say anything much more right now. It’s like I’m floating and this is exactly how I feel.

Face it.

Truth is. You got yourself, only yourself, most of the times. Yes we have friends, relatives, and loved ones but they will not be there as often you want them to be and they won’t understand you the way you wanted to be. Stay attached but learn to be on your own. I admit, I attach myself easily to people I feel comfortable and accepted with. This has been my issue ever since I was a kid–I seek for companionship and understanding, especially when I feel down. I seek from other people the companionship and understanding I hope from my family. Rarely do I find people whom I feel genuinely understood and cared for. So, every time I find such, I cling to them, trust them. I get too attached by the thought of their presence that I sometimes forget their capacity of being gone or changing. I give the most care and love to the people I attach myself with that’s why it hurts the most as well when they misinterpret, misunderstand, and take me and my efforts for granted. But maybe, that’s reality really. You can’t always have the kind of love and care you give to others. Don’t expect. Hope but don’t expect. Well, I know, there’s a thin line between hoping and expecting. Sometimes we hope too much that we expect it to happen. It hurts bigtime when people treat you the way you always carefully see to it not to treat them or make you feel something you never make them feel. Iningatan mo na wag mo yun magawa sakanila dahil alam mong masasaktan sila, tapos gagawin sayo. Isn’t that heartbreaking?

Being alone is lonely. But sometimes, it’s safer than having someone around. It’s what I practice now–staying strong and happy with me alone. But no, not to the point that I go to the side of introvert. NEVER. Not that I discriminate introverts, I respect their idea of disclosing themselves and personal space. It’s just that it’s not my thing. My being alone here is getting used to not having someone understanding, caring, and loving me in times I feel I need any of them the most. I gotta be used to not always having a shoulder to cry on or lean on or a hug to relieve me.

I’ll get used to this. Taking this positively.