Pursuit of Seeing the Beauty


Some people say I’m pretty or I got prettier already compared to how I look before. Truth is, no matter how they try to compliment me, there are still more times than less that I feel ugly. Some may think of this as being unappreciative of what I have or fishing for more compliment as I neglect their compliment.

Lots of things happened that caused whatever feeling I have now. Yes, I sometimes think or feel I’m pretty but my insecurities conquer me. I’ve been rejected, taken for granted, and left by couple of guys before, guys whom I think were not that good looking, guys whom I think that shouldn’t let go of someone like me. I felt really bad. Wait change of tense. I still feel bad. I got over the guys and my feelings for them, but not with the effect or trauma they left me with.

I feel like I’m never enough and I’ll never be enough. For quite some times, I feel that my esteem and belief in myself is already improving, but still there are quite some instances which bring back that lowly feeling. I am not sure how people perceive this or react to this. They probably get pissed off me but explaining would be tiring.

It feels heavy. It feels heavy and hard when you yourself don’t have that full confidence and trust on what you have, on who you are. It’s like no matter how people see me as strong person, no matter how I act or carry on with this tough chic persona, there will always be something in me that feels weak, shy, afraid, and insecure. I am thankful that I can oppose these feeling at times and just hide them for quite some time. But still, it’s there. I feel it. I can’t totally cover them up. There are several times which I really feel like crumbling and crying and hiding. Worst, if I could just leave me and exchange with other person, I’d probably choose that.

Easy for others. Easy for others. Easy to say accept-who-you-are-love-yourself but urgh… To those, especially those girls who feel low about themselves, may it be in any aspect of your being, take your time healing and believing in yourself. Myriads of encouragements and pressure could be bombarding you, but I know it’s not as easy as swallowing them all and then with a snap, you got a changed view of yourself. Take time. Take time. I trust in the essence of time and self reconstructing–hope that these really work though. But definitely, a lot of things, especially self conflict issues couldn’t be solved in a rush. It takes time, more heartaches, and doubts before maybe having a better outlook and firm trust of ourself–who we are and what we have. Meanwhile, carry on with the pain and that lowly feeling. If we can’t get over it yet, let’s just not be eaten by it.