I miss my dad. I miss my dad so so much. We are not that open to each other but we have this connection mom and I don’t have.

He scolded me several times but never slap me, ever. He never says no to my request unless my mother says no to it. He sometimes make me cry when I do something bad but in the end, he would still comfort me and make me stop crying by handing me a face towel and tapping my back. Afterwards, he also says sorry. When he’s at home he always wakes me up with a good morning greeting, hug, and kiss and then send me to sleep with the same sweet gestures. He does that every single day. He never fails to kiss my cheek or hold my hand then tell me I am his baby. When we go to the mall or do groceries, he usually holds my hand like what a father does to his little baby to ensure his child wouldn’t be lost. He is very supportive of me in everything I do. Believes in me in everything I do even if I already failed several times. Though I don’t talk with him much about my personal life, he never made me feel unloved nor misunderstood. And though he is a far, he wants me to feel that he is always with me, with us, his family. He always thinks least of himself when it comes to comfort and joy. It has always been us before him. That’s why he is there, working, away from us.

I won’t be with him again this Christmas. He works in a ship. In his work, contract goes for 9 months to a year. Then afterwards, we could be with him for around 3 months. If blessed, 3 months or more.

Him working in away from us was my parents decision. Now it’s the family’s decision. Given the life we have now, we couldn’t afford him not going away. Why? We wouldn’t be stable. We would survive but not stable as we have this current situation–we have to maintain and pay stuff. My parents want to invest for me and my brother. They want to secure our future. They want to save because in time, when they are already old, they don’t want to be a burden to me and brother. They want to pay for their own living. Another thing why they chose working in a ship is that my parents do not want us (I and brother) to experience the hardships they had been before.

I truly, truly, appreciate and am grateful to that. But it is also true that everything has consequences. We may be have an eased life but the price it has to pay is priceless. My family being incomplete causes so much sacrifices, sadness, misunderstanding, frustration, and envy. Other people may see us fine, happy, and worry free or even want the life we have but I think they all revert when they get to experience it really. What they see is just the cover not the depth of what we’re going through as a family.

All these I have to accept and then be happy. To those people who have the same situation as mine or maybe having different family problem yet still living happy and grateful. It must have been hard for you when you realize things like I realize now. But, I also admire you for being such. Keep loving your family.

I wish us all a Merry Christmas.

And. I love you so much dad. Thank you for being you.

Life Wouldn’t Handle Itself Well for You

Most of the time, no matter how you badly want to, you can’t change how things are nor control them. The only thing you could control is the way you’ll face life situations and that’s reality. Handle yourself well. Make good decisions. Life wouldn’t handle itself well for you. 

I recently had the above statement posted on my Facebook account. Having realize such is step one for me. Certainly, the next step to do is to prove I can handle myself well. Fighting your weaknesses is one of the hardest battle one could face. Whenever I struggle fighting myself, I’m torn into hating myself or loving myself. Thoughts gush in my mind. And I admit, I sometimes couldn’t handle things well. 

Two friends of mine have given me very wise advice and I think these two people based it from their current or past life experiences. One had told me that if you can’t change whatever situation you are into, consider that situation as reality than a problem. Problem has solutions and reality seemingly hasn’t. Reality is something you have to face, conquer every single waking day. No matter how much you want to alter it, you couldn’t. 

Another friend had told me that, changing the situation you are facing wouldn’t happen in one or two glimpses, nor in days, weeks, or months. It could take you years. So in that process, be patient. Don’t drown into the struggle. Fight with a positive outlook and heart cause if you don’t no one else will lose but you. 

There are things in life I find hard to accept or face. These built up my frustrations, fears, and insecurities. But both of my friends are absolutely right. This is reality and having the change I want comes in a process. If i wouldn’t handle myself well, I’ll truly lose the game. Life always challenges people. I salute people who carry on well, those who survive with peace in mind and happy heart. 

I’m just 20. If graced, there could be more than double of my current age to face. Certainly, a lot more episodes in life to be faced. I know i’m not alone, I have loved ones with me who sometimes become part of the challenges I face, but still also inspire me. I have to help myself. It’s still all up to me in the end.