Just keep moving.


I don’t know why. Was it innately structured in my brain? Or was I just shaped by my experiences and nature? The two questions I asked are exactly the same questions raised in psychology trying to understand how we think and behave as we are.

I admit that I don’t think in a unilinear manner. I always consider both sides that’s why I think we are such because of our innate brain structure and the influences to us by our environment.

The problem with me now is, I know what’s wrong with me but I couldn’t change it. I always doubt myself on things; that I think drags me down. It’s like in every forward step I make I’ll just find myself taking that forward step back. Well lucky if I sometimes take lots of forward steps and maybe just one step backward. I know I have improved compared to how I was before. I just hope that when the storm in my life comes again, in whatever aspect it could be, I hope that I could prove that I really did improve.

It scares me thinking that when the storm comes, it would be back to square one. I am shy of telling this to people, people close to me or dear to me. I get shy because they might hate me. But then again, I should trust them. I should trust the people loving me that they do love me in my barest form. But I don’t know, maybe just like any other humans, there are just some flaws you really feel shy to be known. Im shy because they could get sick of me being this. It might seem to them that I am not putting efforts but goodness, I am. I am. So for those who are saying to me that I’m stuck here, laughing at me or getting sick of my ‘dramas’, I’m moving forward and sorry if I’m not a fast grower like others.

I believe in phase, that as long a people believe and do something on things they want to be better, they would no matter how slow they are. So never ever tell to anyone that they’re hopeless or at least make them feel their efforts are wasted. Be more sensitive to that.

I know I always doubt myself of being better and getting off this phase nonetheless I keep on moving. Maybe not as much as others do, but I’m proud to say I at least do. I should trust myself more. Even if I feel dragged down at times, may it be because of others or myself, I shouldn’t stop moving on. Right? I have to believe in what I have and who I am as of the moment. Yes I know cliche but please it’s true. If I wouldn’t trust myself now and be confident, that’s when I won’t move forward.

If I will always get defeated by myself, everyone else would defeat me.
Better fight myself then.

I’m Winning This


Before, I was focused looking for someone who would understand the entirety of me, but now I am challenged to be better. I want to be better for you. 

I felt blessed when God gave me people who tried to understand me. But now I feel more blessed because he gave me someone who just doesn’t understand me but inspires me to be better. This feeling is different, very different. This time, I realize that I just don’t need a mere understanding from others, particularly from someone special to me. I also have to change, be better. Not totally change the whole me but my flaws, evolve, be better.

I get scared when I feel weak, when I feel it’s hard for me to change. It’s like some of the things that make me weak were inborn. I sometimes feel hopeless on them. But I swear, I’m fighting. I could have fought before but I’m fighting more now. I’m doing my best to gain all the will I could just to not lose on this.

Some could just laugh at this or see this as a petty problem of mine. But seriously, this drags me down. I don’t want to drag you down too together with me because of this. You matter to me, so so much. That’s why no matter how hard this is for me, I’m not giving up. Just please hold on. Please.

Babe, sorry..
for thinking too much
for letting my emotions beat me
for all the internal and external loads I bear and for you always hearing them.

I say sorry not because I did something wrong to you. I say sorry because I know you don’t want to see me
having a hard time on this. I don’t want to worry you anymore, or make you sad. Making you worried or sad in any way because of me, saddens me.

Just as much as you want to be not a burden to me, I want to be your lighter side too.  Just as much as you want to make me happy, I want to give you more reasons to be happy too. I just always want to make you feel loved. 

It’s always the hardest when yourself is your own enemy. It’s like you don’t know how to beat yourself. But again, I can’t lose this. I’ll let this move me every single day. For you, and myself. For us. I’ll stay positive.  You deserve the best, no matter who you are and what you have right now, you still deserve the best. Please trust me when I say I’ll be better.

Thank you for always keeping the faith in me.

Blessed


Remember how I explicitly tell in my blogs that I’m in doubt of falling in love?
That doubt is now gone.

To you, the extra but definitely big blessing who came into my life, thank you for removing my doubt. Thank you for removing my fear and anxiety. Yes. There’s still a bit of them but I feel it, sincerely, that the next chapters of my life having you will totally remove those hindrances on believing in love. Truly, words can’t sometimes express that ardent feeling of love, of why you are in love. When you came, words telling where-have-you-been-all-my-life and i-must-have-done-something-really-good-to-have-you-in-my-life were uttered out of my lips. Yet, those words weren’t still enough to disclose how I feel.

You are the total opposite of everything I thought I just deserve. You made me feel my worth. When you came, you gave me back my sense of worth and delicacy. The love and respect I thought I’d never found are found in you. You are the brighter side of all the heartaches I felt. I thank God for leading the way to you. Like how you are a blessing to me now, I’ll do my best to be a blessing to you as well. Everyday, you still never fail to amaze me. You never fail to be a God’s blessing for me.

I’m certainly feeling that there’s no need to count in how long we’ve known and been with each other, cause we, whatever we have right now, goes beyond time. We transcend time.

Thank you for believing and trusting me especially in the times where I lose mine for myself.

To my supporter, best friend, partner in crime, shoulder to cry on, my gentle driver, my number one fan, body guard, my lighter side of everything, I love you.

We may get through rough roads, but I trust the foundation we have. I trust you. We won’t falter.

To infinity and beyond 🙂

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Pursuit of Seeing the Beauty


Some people say I’m pretty or I got prettier already compared to how I look before. Truth is, no matter how they try to compliment me, there are still more times than less that I feel ugly. Some may think of this as being unappreciative of what I have or fishing for more compliment as I neglect their compliment.

Lots of things happened that caused whatever feeling I have now. Yes, I sometimes think or feel I’m pretty but my insecurities conquer me. I’ve been rejected, taken for granted, and left by couple of guys before, guys whom I think were not that good looking, guys whom I think that shouldn’t let go of someone like me. I felt really bad. Wait change of tense. I still feel bad. I got over the guys and my feelings for them, but not with the effect or trauma they left me with.

I feel like I’m never enough and I’ll never be enough. For quite some times, I feel that my esteem and belief in myself is already improving, but still there are quite some instances which bring back that lowly feeling. I am not sure how people perceive this or react to this. They probably get pissed off me but explaining would be tiring.

It feels heavy. It feels heavy and hard when you yourself don’t have that full confidence and trust on what you have, on who you are. It’s like no matter how people see me as strong person, no matter how I act or carry on with this tough chic persona, there will always be something in me that feels weak, shy, afraid, and insecure. I am thankful that I can oppose these feeling at times and just hide them for quite some time. But still, it’s there. I feel it. I can’t totally cover them up. There are several times which I really feel like crumbling and crying and hiding. Worst, if I could just leave me and exchange with other person, I’d probably choose that.

Easy for others. Easy for others. Easy to say accept-who-you-are-love-yourself but urgh… To those, especially those girls who feel low about themselves, may it be in any aspect of your being, take your time healing and believing in yourself. Myriads of encouragements and pressure could be bombarding you, but I know it’s not as easy as swallowing them all and then with a snap, you got a changed view of yourself. Take time. Take time. I trust in the essence of time and self reconstructing–hope that these really work though. But definitely, a lot of things, especially self conflict issues couldn’t be solved in a rush. It takes time, more heartaches, and doubts before maybe having a better outlook and firm trust of ourself–who we are and what we have. Meanwhile, carry on with the pain and that lowly feeling. If we can’t get over it yet, let’s just not be eaten by it.

People Now You Just Knew


Well I guess, there are only few lucky people who have someone with them for keeps, better half and friends wise. Not all will stay. Not everything will stay the same. Someday, at some point, the people and the life you have will change. It’s sad to see people close to your heart depart from you, you may not want it but it’s as if the world would conspire just for it to be. No matter how hard you control or stop things, some things are just bound to change. Some things and people are better off by leaving you behind. And you, yourself, must see the better side for you too.

This is what I think we should all be prepared about. Hanging on for something and thinking it would really last is like bringing yourself to the pit of frustration. It’s not that ‘forever’ isn’t really possible but it’s more of the probability of having ‘forever’ is really low. Lucky you if would have it.

Seize the moment. Seize the people with you now. Just always be preventive. Forever could be both a reality and a lie.

It Skipped a Beat


Pardon me. This is an another love post.

I’m having my dinner with music playing on my ipod. One of the wedding songs I like suddenly played then my heart started to thumped. It really did.

I want to love. I wanted to be loved. I miss hugging someone and feeling secured in the boundaries of his arms. I miss holding a hand feeling the warmth we share. I miss kissing someone’s lips, making me feel I am the only one. Just a sweet short kiss is enough, just a short kiss. I miss someone looking me in my eyes making me feel I am special and accepted. I miss someone caring how my day went, if I already ate, already got home. I miss feeling valuable. I miss the cliche goodmorning-goodnight messages which start and end my day with a smile. I miss having a shoulder whom I can lean my head on when I’m sleepy on a trip. I miss someone wiping my tears and hugging me then with his comfort, I know it everything will be fine. I know I have someone with me along the way. I miss the long lingering with his company making me forget what the time is. I miss sharing my inner most thoughts without feeling judged but rather understood and accepted. I miss having little fights but still fixing things before going to sleep cause our love is greater than the situation. I miss the random talks, teasing, joking, trips, making me feel we are growing in the love we share and we can’t never ever be boring. I miss how can someone make me laugh hard and never makes me tired of being with him. I miss how inspired I could be just by the thought that I am in love and I am loved.

Cliche? Overrated? Fine. Yes, could be. But that’s still how I hope my relationship would be.

I miss loving. I miss being loved.

To you, the guy I can feel I’m falling into, you are making me feel that it’s still possible, that heaven could still bless me with the love I hoped for. You make me feel it’s possible by how we share each other’s company. Thank you for the every single thing you do and all the moments we share. I always want to share more times with you. It’s like you make my dream come true little by little.

Yes, I am scared. You just don’t know how hard I control myself to not give in into my feelings. I fight falling cause I’m not ready for another heartache. I’ve been through enough. I’m scared you’re not feeling the same way and not catch me the moment I fall. I am scared cause I don’t want to lose you. I’m afraid that I might crash things the moment I totally fall for you. You just don’t know how you make me happy, how you keep on inspiring me. You are different, believe me you are amazingly different, that’s why I treasure you.

‘Di naman ganun ka-harsh ang pagibig para saktan ka pang muli.’
I am hoping for that. I hope fate is in favor with me now.

Not Any Less


I’m seating on a scientific meeting (something about fish kill, air, chemical, and all the other factors affecting them) and all that goes in my mind is a bunch of floating question marks. Everything is technical here. I want to interrupt and make them laymanize the discussion but I feel a bit dumb if I do that. I’m just comforted by the thought that this isn’t my niche. I am a development communicator major in Community Broadcasting. So.. Does that fact justifies my lowly feeling right now? I know I still have to balance everything I know in each field.

I wanted to understand what they’re talking about cause I think it’s essential for the environment. And, injecting some knowledge on other fields could be helpful for my brain, right? But I definitely don’t see myself in that field for a long term. But I admit, there are times when I see hard science and math centered courses as superior than courses of the arts and communication, courses like I have. Sad thing is, most people have that kind of thinking.

Communication isn’t easy. If you think
it’s all about speaking and jumbling of words, damn not. The field makes the world go round. With misinterpretation and wrong choice of words, it can build or destroy relationship and nation. Yes I know the example is quite exaggerated but still true. Bottom line here: communication is as essential as any other field.
Each field has a role. Like in an ecosystem, the scavengers are as equal with the producers, the preys with predators. Losing one group means crashing the ecosystem. So just like the fields and courses, the diversity balances everything. They support and complement each other. I just hope people do understand this and do not belittle arts and/or communication related fields.

Disclaimer: Tense of verb is present since I made this post when I was actually in the meeting.

Just Put Me to Sleep


I’m close to freaking out or just passing out or just urgh, I don’t know. I need my sanity and focus back. God. Could I just block all the other things that bother me? I want to escape. I feel dampen which is totally unhealthy for my academics. The real thing in my academics is yet to come–few days more and it’s on. I seriously don’t know how to deal with this right now. I wanna go out but don’t know where to go to, organize my thoughts but don’t know where to start. Am I totally lost?

Something or someone has to have a great impact to me that I’d be moved from this. I.HAVE.TO.BE.OK… Now. What is that something or who is that someone which could move me?

Do you think sleeping is good? Would it help? How I wish that tomorrow everything will fall into how they should really be (or is this how things should really be? No, please). This should be better. I can’t be stuck on this. I’d be more damaged if I continue facing every single day with this kind of disposition.

Someone save me.
Or at least put me to sleep, please.

L-O-V-E Adviser under Renovation


I am 20 and I got pretty much experiences on love (or were they really “love” experiences or just some mixed emotions jumble in my heart and mind?)

I got lots to say on relationships and love and I thank my pasts (both officially and not officially ones) for that. I’ve been into head-over-heels relationships and heartbreaking relationships. During those days, I talk much about love or at least what I think is appropriate for a certain kind of situation when my friends ask me some sort of “experienced advice”. Well lately, I’ve been straying away from talking about it. I don’t know why really. I admit that I am in-love with love and all the beautiful and magical moments that could happen when you feel that. And maybe, that’s why I got lots to say about it. I’m passionate on love–on the feeling per se, the people in-love, and the experiences on it.

Well, currently, my mind and mouth are shut about it. I have little to say about love which is kind of unusual of me. I am not used to this. I couldn’t even figure out why I don’t want to talk about it yet nor give people my opinion on their love situations (which I used to love to do). Maybe when I had my boundary of getting hurt last year, not just my heart had a break from being in-love but in being insightful on love as well. I know the learnings are still in me. The experiences taught me many things no one else could teach me. I feel different now. Really. I miss being passionate on love. I, as of the moment, could be in-love. It’s just either I don’t admit it or I just don’t dive into love again, fully, like how I used to be.

I know I would be back–me loving again and giving insights on love. Maybe I’m just on the phase of renovating myself. The foundation is still there, grounded well by the experiences. I know after the “renovation” I could love even more, love more wisely,  and give love insights which are more meaningful.

Still, I’m not giving up on love. Never.