I don’t know why. Was it innately structured in my brain? Or was I just shaped by my experiences and nature? The two questions I asked are exactly the same questions raised in psychology trying to understand how we think and behave as we are.
I admit that I don’t think in a unilinear manner. I always consider both sides that’s why I think we are such because of our innate brain structure and the influences to us by our environment.
The problem with me now is, I know what’s wrong with me but I couldn’t change it. I always doubt myself on things; that I think drags me down. It’s like in every forward step I make I’ll just find myself taking that forward step back. Well lucky if I sometimes take lots of forward steps and maybe just one step backward. I know I have improved compared to how I was before. I just hope that when the storm in my life comes again, in whatever aspect it could be, I hope that I could prove that I really did improve.
It scares me thinking that when the storm comes, it would be back to square one. I am shy of telling this to people, people close to me or dear to me. I get shy because they might hate me. But then again, I should trust them. I should trust the people loving me that they do love me in my barest form. But I don’t know, maybe just like any other humans, there are just some flaws you really feel shy to be known. Im shy because they could get sick of me being this. It might seem to them that I am not putting efforts but goodness, I am. I am. So for those who are saying to me that I’m stuck here, laughing at me or getting sick of my ‘dramas’, I’m moving forward and sorry if I’m not a fast grower like others.
I believe in phase, that as long a people believe and do something on things they want to be better, they would no matter how slow they are. So never ever tell to anyone that they’re hopeless or at least make them feel their efforts are wasted. Be more sensitive to that.
I know I always doubt myself of being better and getting off this phase nonetheless I keep on moving. Maybe not as much as others do, but I’m proud to say I at least do. I should trust myself more. Even if I feel dragged down at times, may it be because of others or myself, I shouldn’t stop moving on. Right? I have to believe in what I have and who I am as of the moment. Yes I know cliche but please it’s true. If I wouldn’t trust myself now and be confident, that’s when I won’t move forward.
If I will always get defeated by myself, everyone else would defeat me.
Better fight myself then.