Apology Challenger

One of the general rules in living a happy and peaceful life is having a heart free of grudges. Being a human being, I am 101 percent sure that each of us has been wronged and hurt by either someone we barely know or someone we once cherished/still cherishes. Harder part on forgiving is on someone whom we cherished. Imagine, you trusted, emotionally invested feelings, sacrificed for that someone then he would hurt you.

Apologies are easier to give to people who deserve them most—people who is sincerely sorry. More than being sorry, that someone deserves apology more when he is willing to be a better person than he was when he hurt somebody. Based on personal experiences, I could say I easily forgive someone with or without him asking for an apology. I cannot stand having a hard feeling on someone. Yes I do get mad but I still forgive.
My forgiving ability has just been challenged today or rather, it was just today I realized that I was challenged. There’s this one person whom I still have hard feelings for. Lots of people had wronged me in me several ways and considerably they even did grave acts than the person who challenges my forgiving ability. But I am at peace with them now. Not with this one person.

Earlier this day, he texted me asking if I am mad. This was the first message I read upon waking up. Emotions suddenly rushed—I am not mad, I am furious. I wanted to reply that I wasn’t, thinking that this would be my escape from him bothering me or me explaining to him. What I did instead is put my mobile phone on my bed. Breathed. Prayed. Continued the day setting aside what I was supposed to reply. I prayed to just feel I am not filled without any antipathy on the person who texted me. But, true feelings prevailed. I still can’t. Turned out, I replied. I said I wasn’t mad (heaven knows I lied). Then short conversation happened like everything was just fine.

My day-to-day life went on but I have to admit I’m bothered all day. Who am I kidding? No one else but myself. I haven’t forgive him until this moment I am composing this blog; it has been a year already with this baggage.
Yes many others wronged me more than he did but I let all the hatreds go for two reasons: I felt they were at some point genuine and honest; I felt they truly realized their fault and became better after what they did.

To this sole person whom I still cannot afford to lay my heart at peace with, my apologies. Time has already healed the wounds but forgiving you is a different matter. It could have been not this way if I saw you changed but you haven’t. You said sorry but more than your words I wish to see the actions and changes that come with it. I’ve known you. And it just irritates me to the bones remembering what you did, how you were, and feeling you are still that person. Maybe I could just one day shake these all off but I truly hope you could man up, be more selfless, and take self-rehabilitation. Save yourself for hurting more people and being worse.

In spite all the things I said in this sharing, I hope I am wrong. I hope you are a changed man now and it’s just me who couldn’t shake things off and see you’ve changed.

Disclaimer: Blog originally done March 18 but was uploaded March 19,2014