There are a lot of things in life that will make you doubt, make you feel weak. But at the end of it all, you’ll find these things to be the foundation of your strength and that these made you a better person.
This 2012, I will do my best to be more positive, hopeful, passionate, to have more faith, to be at peace. 2011 had been a roller coaster for me. A lot of things happened; thoughts and emotions had been in chaos. I would admit those things changed me. (I just realized that during the last two weeks of December 2011.) I’ve been depressed last Christmas break–I lost appetite, lacked sleep, palpitated, and dehydrated. I lamented for my past actions and their current consequences in my life. It’s really hard to forgive one’s self specially when you can totally feel and experience the painful consequences. I realized how derailed my decisions were. They haunted me night and day. What worsen my case was that I couldn’t show my true feelings or condition to my family and relatives. I had to pretend that I was totally fine. I was afraid to share it with them specially to my mom. I think she wouldn’t understand. I thought that she would just add ache to my feelings by not understanding me or by scolding me. I felt the literal pain in my heart. I even said to myself that if that condition would stay longer, I will have a true heart disease. Retaining focus and getting energetic were also hard for me those times. It was like I had no hopes at all. I lived in my regrets. Unless I totally forgive myself and forget the past, I will never be at peace. I will never have happiness.
Thank God for His love. He didn’t let me be in that situation for too long. He comforted me by His words and by the people He sent to help me. Maybe, God loves me so much that he didn’t want me to continue traveling the wrong path, to be slowly be taken away by the mistakes I thought were ok. He tapped me. He made me realized that I should not be stuck in that stage for too long. I should wake up and change my ways.
I admit it. I’m still in the process–forgiving and strengthening myself. It tedious.. Very tedious. All the principles and advice about getting better and being happy are all easy to say but very hard to do. I’m sticking to God, His words, love, guidance, and understanding. I know in Him nothing is impossible. I’ll stay strong and anchored.
Again.. I’ll say to myself, this 2012, I will do my best to be more positive, hopeful, passionate, to have more faith, to be at peace.
inexorablethoughts 